Yeah, no, got nothing

An odd week, with many mixed messages ... You cannot rely on me, do not trust me, I am fallible, but I will use the pics of you shot of me for my public profile ... My paranoia says that I am merely a 'notch in the belt' which is probably why I let realism ru(l)e the day ... Interestingly, we talk at such cross purposes and meanings - I do not want to have a relationship with you, but I do want to fuck you, be with you. Just sometimes, though. But isn't that what I am trying to engender? Is it? Oh ... But, enough ...
Riding out to Toowong to look at a house, will be old, crappy (bit like how I feel when down), and I will in all probablity not follow through with taking it, but I liked the sound of the agent, so have come for a look ... But the fucking sheer joy of riding - OMFG!!! Bad thought, but who needs relationship(s) when there is such a joy in riding? The sensations of muscle strain, wind in hair, sweat percolating through t-shirt (yeah, no guensey, as I felt best not to turn up to house too 'sporty'), tightness of lungs, the rush of spinning at 100+ rpm ... Got overtaken by girl on New Farm pontoons, and although I could not keep up, I was not losing too much ... but the way she spun was almost fluid in motion symbolism! Of course, she did need to tuck her arms in considerably, and practice spinning through corners, to make them tighter, but even noticing such a thing, rationalising/considering it is joyful!!!
Bought some saffron, will do rissotto tonight, settle in, get sozzled, then watch RAGE tonight methinks? Will totally destroy tomorrow, but shall see ...
Hmm, got a bit lost finding the place :o and then discovered I had left the bit of paper at home (I hope) with the address, and the contact number of the agent ... Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear ... Could be a message in there though about my expectations for tomorrow? Sitting outside State Library, overlooking the river/walkway, watching all these cyclists go by, listening to 'Nursery rhyme' by UNKLE - fuck I love this song!!! Felt really, really bad/ashamed about taking the iPod back, but listening to this, after so long ameliates the pain, somewhat ...
Simultaneously a bloke goes past on a paddle board, and a girl cycles past without a helmet ...
Anyway, best continue onwards - have decided to take the other side of the riverpath back, go over the Storey Bridge ... all for a bit of fun, hey?
Sunday, I set off to see the other rental place, and it does seem really, really nice ... However, the chappy that was there did have a lot of 'applications' so I am quite trepitious about the reality of my my chances there :( But it was a really nice place - 1 bedroom, small bathroom, gas stove, great lounge/dining area, so we shall see, we shall see ...
Anyway, riding back along the Riverside bikepath, thinking about how I needed to change the ways that I think about things-create your own reality-about how wonderful 3B is, and there was this $20 note blowing across the path :o So stopped at the Bowls club for a beer, having some Tooheys Extra Dry, going to have an antipasto platter ...
Must say, they do seem to do decent size plates here ... Dash-people next to river have 'demanded' that the 'blind' be lowered, so my view over the river has become extremely diminished, reduced, blurred ... Riding past I saw all these empty tables, thought it would not be too packed/bad here, but turns out they were 'reserved' for people yet to arrive ... Turns out that there is also a BBQ option here as well :o but it does need to be pre-booked ... This is an odd place in some ways, and the people here do tend to be a little bit peculiar? Although, there is a chappy who just wandered by, showing the precision only evident in the excessively drunk ... And since that last comment, he has appeared another 2 times, each time the walk a little more controlled and 'precise', but each time he has gotten more drinks ...
Really need to trim hair-there is a reflection that appears in the screen, backlit as I am, which illuminates just how scaggly I appear (to others?) and it makes me concerned about my personal image ...
Hmm, just realised that my consideration of only drinking Friday/Saturday night has just fallen in a screaming heap ... Maybe I am (becoming) an alcoholic? :o Which maybe why I have such an ambivalence towards the 'straight edge' mentality?
Nope, time to go, time to go ... Run away, run away ...
So, a day later, and how much difference speaking with a single voice makes, I don't know ... Yet, I go on and try to do it, put into place what needs to be done, go through the motions of existential reality, lived or otherwise ...
Maybe this is what is meant by emphasising the journey, not the ending? For I do prefer that things be in place before bouncing off for other adventures?