Checking inn

Hmm, this riding of a bus out into the suburbs is reminiscent of why I prefer to ride! Asian woman behind me yabbering her head off LOUDLY ... seat is SO small that my knees are jammed up ... but, it IS raining outside, sporadically, so it is probably for the best that I am protected? Besides, get to see an interesting batch of people, Brisbane citizens, sharing and enjoying this wonderful City, weather and all ... Oh wait, that loudmouth idiot is departing! Am I allowed to be pleased?
In life, there seems to be much happening ... Ah, that is better - just thought of another way to adjust the volume on these speakers :) Must say, am impressed with the relative output of the speakers/earbuds ... Anyway, life ... seems I am getting negative perspectives on my calls :o Have lashed out and purchased a Garmin 500, but am not riding enough :( Always tomorrow ... Trying to eat more healthy, using the macrobiotic ideals, but really it comes down to more fruit/vegies, less shit ... Did cook up a rather nice little turkey hindquarter last night ...
Have been trying to be more social - and it is interesting that I refer to it as an 'effort' ... But went to Harvest Festival on Saturday, and went to see the preview showing of X, coutesty of Stumpy ... must say, the film started off, and I thought that it was a bit blaise, a little too reminescent of other films, but from the middle onwards, it literally sang with energy  ... impressed! Of course, I really do need to get out and see more films? But glad to note that when I do make the 'effort', it is worthwhile! Went with young Trent, and I miss confess to a few moments of 'oops' thoughts, as there are a number of scenes in the movie which were a little bit too much for his young sensibilities ...
Am off to visit Mother, this being her 70th birthday, I feel an exception (and trip) can be made out to the suburbs, to visit and bestow our blessings? As a token, I have purchased a CWA cookbook, as the style of cooking reminds me of where my influences had come from, and I hope it does the same for her? Anyway, time to put this to 'sleep' ...
Well, that was a trip worth making, but to no avail - knocked, but nobody home :( Or, nobody answered, anyway ... But I saw Armadeo in his car down at Civic Fair, so all was not lost. Echoes, connections, reflections ... will go back to City, and compose a text message instead. Left book by the front door, hoping that it would not be too conspicuous to a passerby, and yet noticed by somebody using the door ... Assuming of course that the door is used ... Bit hard to see what is going on, what plans have eventuated, what plans are afoot, for change is evident, but it is hard to recognise as 'good' change, so no comment is possible ... Ah, did not take any photos either. Sometimes are more reliable for being so faulty, hey? As seems to be the way, much is the same at the strip shops, and yet there are many changes, subtle or otherwise. Toni's is still there, but the National bank building is empty. Seemingly there is much about the conservative nature that impacts upon us, echoing or restoring those things that have defined our past in determining our future by dictating the shape of our present, in delineating how we determine ourselves?
There is something to be said for the sight of a blue haired girl sitting with a pearl encrusted matron sipping a drink outside of a place called Classic cakes ...
Hmm, interesting how these words seem to flow ... maybe it was a good idea to bring the ePC on this 'roadtrip'? Or maybe it is more a reflection that I do not devote enough time to that which I love (have loved in the past)? Seem to have so many tools, and yet struggle to fully exploit their capabilities? Wish I could say that time presses ever onwards, determining what is to be done. But the reality is that you find the time to do what needs to be done. As always ...
Hmm, more blue hair ... Sleep time again? Maybe not ... Stones Corner has certainly changed :o Busway, shops, people ... yet still oddly seedy ...Wonder if the bikies and drugs still permeate the area? Probably not, looking at the place :( Still no word from Trent, so maybe will do lunch, maybe not ... Oh well, now it is sleepy time ...
Finally, two (2) things to round it all off with ... Why do some people get onto a bus (especially) and sit on the aisle seat, thus taking up both seats? Especially women and/or people from a NESB ... is space so paramount that it overrides manners? Really am most confused about such things, such behaviour(s) ... And can't remember what my other 'complaint' was, so ...

The beginning of this next wave ...

Bloody hell - finally get around to starting to write again, and somebody has pinched my bloody pens! Life in here is just so mundane, closed in, and generally all very closed to outside stimuli. So much hunger, so much food, so much time, so much sleeping, so lethargic, so much diazepam, and on top of all that, there are the effects of the other drugs … Am eating way too much and doing so little that I fear for the physical state - probably will balloon up into something grotesque all too quickly :( What could have happened to the pens? Have they really disappeared into the land of 'taken, not lost'? Dash … Wow! And now it turns out that the fourth one, the one from Daddy, has also gone away … and it certainly had in no way been left out …

Another day, another pen … Sitting at cafe awaiting D and her amazing powers of production, to see what can be created from nothingness. Had a nice chat to a Greenpeace girl before she began her shift soliciting support/money from passer-bys. Apparently C is missing me - although why I did not think of it at the time, but maybe just putting him on to the phone would have worked better than suggesting I go around there later … Whilst the character of Stones Corner is much the same, the characters have certainly changed. So many with money and time wander by, looking for all that like they really do not have much else to do except this wandering about. And away we go … A waiting game to be more accurate!!! And then, I manage to spear myself in the finger, jostle the packet, wet my pants … but then the blessed relief comes, and it suddenly does not matter so much … Told myself I should have waited until I got to DJ's, but patience is not always so easy? Even if the sum total greatly justifies such outcomes … Time to kick back with a Lowenstrau, have a shower, then put a JJJ Hot 100 CD on - does it get better than this? More to the point, how do we maintain momentum? Or should that be 'Rage'? ;)

So, I is into her Library Tech course, so that means that she will have to come to Brisbane for evening classes … Odd little situation that/this one - so fraught with complications, yet such an Ab Fab bake. Decisions, decisions … and then there are the considerations of other peoples needs and desires as well. Enough to send a bloke balmy, I tell you! And so much for just spending a few days getting my feet back underneath me. Suddenly people are wanting me to do things with/for them, and suddenly my calendar is filling up … Maybe I am loved? :) Oh, how easy it is to get busy again! And more so to start planning a future … But I must stay focussed on the real things like getting a job … Which, of course, sets off its own set of necessities - computer for applications, printer for output, etc. Mother has (typically) made a magnanimous offer, and then very quickly retracted it when pressed for details. Her 'People always feel better when they contribute to something' really seems to mean 'You must go and consume like a 'normal' person' … Could possibly survive without a computer, you know … Am thinking more about bike riding again - might even find out about the Baum?

...

So, here I am much, much later, having watched (yet again) 'About a boy', the central theme of all good things in their own good time. My fickle problems of going to Melbourne for Ti rings and fountain pen, but finding neither, pales (really) against real time concerns - is it really too much effort? Or am I just so fey??? Anyway, R, bloody R, what am I to do with her and how am I to do it? She has a b/f, found happiness/stability, yet still rings me when she is unhappy/depressed, taunts me with how sexually excited I make her feel, about the fantasies that would please her for me to realise - but what about her man? Am I wrong to worry about the children? My concern is that much goes on, but she is (again?) so caught up in herself that little heed is paid to them … plugged into television, palmed off into the care of others, and she continues on with nary a pause - seems she has barely (if at all) moved beyond childhood herself :( … So, what am I to do? Really, nothing to do with me, and by the actions of the girl-child, she certainly does not want any contact with me … C, dear C, would be nice to share time/space, but what a battle that would be … maybe it is a battle worth fighting??? How can she have all this given to her, and make no effort towards recompense, rebate, or even token efforts towards return? Fell taunted/teased, that all this crass consumerism - clothes, car, computer - is flaunting the sheer shallowness of it all, this is a situation that, I fear, will have only one outcome, with the only question being the timing of the inevitable … But, I am not involved, deliberately excluded, and at this point, it must be stated, that, in all good conscience, there is not an awful lot that I can do … as it is, I am barely tolerated, a source of mockery, a well in which to pour vitriol and draw out sustence, something to hold me back to then, the skeins loosely binding me, tighter and tighter, but to what purpose(s)? What future can R offer? For what purpose? In another way, how does this add to the sum of my life/existence? How does it enable me to make the world a better place???

Awake??? Hmm ... what now?

Well, that did not work too well, did it???

Oh well, points for trying though :) Ha, bloody ha! Wonder if the girls had any sense of premonition - the female intuition, as it were … Or maybe the hesitancy in departing was more visceral, more emotive in basis? Nice position to be in, I suppose, having 2 (3?) girls pleased to see me, to want me to be part of their lives, with all of the inherent intricacies … Not that I can see myself taking advantage of such … although, maybe I should … maybe that is what 'life' is all about, sharing/caring, giving and taking, allowing/being allowed mistakes, and learning from them … In any case, it is a life … And one that, it would seem, I am not welcome to do with as I please. Not one that I am able to stop the existence of, or at least not be directly responsible for its cessation … Leaving one to fear that the anticipation, or even 'expectation', of doing 'something' continues unabated … Hence the remaining question: What is one to do? Much prefer the other one: How am I to live? :) At least with that one I had a chance to live by example …

Still do wonder just what went on there last night … so much prep and so little outcome!!! Amazing amount and content of vomit! And the colour! :o

Still here, wondering what to do, how to do it. Although there are some options - staying with bro, parents, girls - still I feel that there should be something more to do? Sitting at Cosmo's much is still the same, the self-important people rushing past the lonely and alone strange people. Oddly enough these things do not just resolve themselves simply or easily(!), and yet I do not want such complexity to override any sense of contentment or ableness.

Discovered that the last packet I had has disappeared - so much for that sustaining dream …

Here in Fortitude Valley there is always an ongoing parade of the different and the devoted divas to desire, where function is often subservient to flavour. Only here could an Asian woman walk out of the back of a Japanese restaurant and go to McDonalds for dinner … Only here, by virtue of their addiction, would an office worker sit down and share some time/space with the derelict, smoking a cigarette … Yet even here the people are struggling to find a place for themselves that causes least distress, and expends the least effort …

b4

So, here we go again … thoughts, memories, bits, all arrayed like turbulent scales falling from the eyes of self-delusionment. Inevitably the weight of thoughts rushing to be made word will be overwhelming to the speed of transcription. The last of many such records of ongoing interests and wonderment … But enough of such ramblings, for now, and on to the real thoughts and considerations - this has been a 'good' life, one of giving and not taking, beyond our needs. In the terms of 'virtue' ethics, have I 'excelled'? To be honest, no; indeed, much of my attempts have been to consciously not, as if to deny my destiny, to move above and beyond expectations, particularly that of my Mother, she of such socially normative wants. However, my passage through life would seem to have made others' better, in giving of myself so that others may blossom, or go on. Or has it? To be certain, it is tiring being the one who responds to stated wants by keeping the pressure applied, providing the requisite support, and then being blamed/vilified for efforts! What makes people think that this is easy - if it was so easy, they could do it themselves!!! Which may be why I would not have minded someone else having extended themselves for me in some realisable sense. So maybe that is my justification for what goes on, and the processes that I employ? Remembering the scene in 'Blade runner', where Ruger Hauer comments on what a life it is that can encompass so many, and so much, wonder(s) and still be just 'a' life, struck a chord. To be one eyed in the kingdom of the blind can be to realise that more is possible, that there is still something more that is missing. To be damned to keep searching for that missing eye … [short intermission comparing Praktica PL with a Pentax k-1000] …

A glass of Coopers Sparkling Ale, a pen in hand, paper in front of you - suddenly I see the attraction to G-man :o and can share some of his pleasure(s)? As elected, when the sense of urgency arises, when things become 'time critical', as it were, the more attention is paid to how time simply runs runs out, how things remain undone, or (more correctly) unattended to due to time constraints. No matter how embarrassing, inconvenient, or even humiliating it may have been to have departed Geelong leaving the house in that state, the simplest awareness is that time ran out, and nothing more could be done. Bit like life really: you have your allotted time, and when it has passed, so do you, and there ain't much more you can do … Can one regret the foods not tried, meals not eaten, wines not drunk? To be sure, there are many, many more 'things' to be experienced, but then if there was not, one would be sated and jaded?

What is it about people that allows them to do so much damage to each other? Thinking about the neighbours' of M, where one discourages another (+ g/f) from staying with him, in considering his options, I am struck by the paucity of his possibilities - ringing the locksmith is not an option, if only because money is not an option. So the 'simplest' answer of just changing the locks is not available. Having the police around introduces its own level of complications, ranging from having State intervention + surveillance, to their reluctance to become involved in a 'domestic' dispute, to pitting one brother against another. So, what to do???

Then came along the 'Big Day Out' with its highs :o and lows, but at least D made it … After all that, I managed to get a rather decent shot of speed, and a little taste to close down the day. The unfortunate outcome being that a severe case of failing to 'rise to the occasion' occurred! The most ironic aspect was I feeling that not having sex the night before meant that she was frustrating me … que? … and wanted to do something about it later … Physically I is a contradiction - she looks, and has the body, of a much younger person. Indeed, it is almost boyish in the way that she is so thin, lightly muscled, and yet there are areas of softness to highlight her femininity, of which there can be no doubt. Mentally she seems to oscillate between being pleased at her good fortune, and being scared, but at least she is not panicking … much! Her habit of asking questions is a good means to encourage me to contemplate aspects of, or question, issues or concerns. However, it is important to remain alert to the reality of questions often neither being contextual nor sequential, hence the need to remember the adage 'if you do not understand, please ask' …

The skin of my forearms has only just stopped peeling, yet already I have gone and scrapped my nose raw …

So, the central women in my life at present are giving me the highs and lows … What to do? What an interesting bunch of people I have come to visit!  Maybe I have become a Puritan in my old age, but I am shocked by the relentless drug use, particularly caffeine, that these girls are using … There is much of the uppers in the morning, downers at night. The shattering of gestalt, as in Case + Linda in 'Neuromancer' surrounds me, shattering all about, touching everyday realities and comfort zones. Awakening to cosier possibilities, immeshed in lethargy, spun out in the web of construction, where sometimes the rhetoric has to match the actions?

Still hère, puddling along, trying to find a path through the gestalt of conflicting ways of being. Tolerance is such a wonderful thing - learning to deal with each others' foibles when each is so set in their ways requires such patience and dedication. Was it just me? [Diatribe about N + M] My tastes, whist eclectic, would also seem to be quite established, yet mundane - as I sit here sipping Brandy + Dry, all I can think about is Vodka … 

Can women sense/feel this sense of unease that dares them without informing them of what the contents of that concern may be?

Weakly posting

Well, that was a week that ended with a most peculiar echo of perversity ... had finally moved ahead with the plans to have tooth extracted, and it literally fell out the other night! :o

Well, may have a teensy bit of active encouragement by my wriggling it am such a kid at times ...

Anyway, so after all the angst and indecision of the past few days, things were looking kind of bright and bubbly ... Was well ahead of schedule on Friday - had coffee at Amici, went to bank, bounced into work nice and early, even bought Ranjit a coffee, all in preparation for my 1015 start ... except I was due to begin at 0745 ...

Karla was bouncing around doing meetings, etc. so by the time I got to chat with her about it, the afternoon was almost over! Oh but the look of sheer exuberance that came across her face was horrifying - "You know that you will now have to go on a PIP? But it is for you, they are designed to help you!" You reckon? Consequently I spent the weekend shuddering about such a possibility, and the first two days this week actively avoiding her ...

But, on a much brighter note (not that I went), there was the Brisbane Zombie Walk on Sunday, and apparently 8000+ people DID go ... Turns out Bec did go, as you can see below ...

In other news, I got myself motivated to email Ian to go on the BMW Ride for life - 85k from Valley down to Bay and then back in. Should be good, and we have nominated ourselves to go in the 25-27 bunch ... Which is fine, except we will be a) riding in a bunch, with a police bike front + rear; and, b) not really having the option to see how we feel, and consequently picking the pace up ... Did I ever mention I HATE bunch riding? Oh well, now that I think about it, it is clearly an opportunity to 'network' or to socialise with other lovers of bicycle riding ... Pity that is hardly a qualification for the people being 'good' people ... Or maybe I am merely articulating my lack of social skills, projecting my fears and inabilities onto others? :o

In other news, turns out the latest update to iTunes has created iCloud, which (in short) has allowed me to download almost 3 years of previous purchases ... ah, memories ;) Oh, and also downloaded the Goyte/Kimbra version of 'Somebody I used to know' ... somewhat eerily evocative ...

CQ11, pt 1

09/09 Brisbane to Goondiwindi
Took the day off work, utilising some of my flex-time to have a relaxed start to trip. Walked across road, bus came up other side, so ran back to catch it! Pottered around at the Transit Centre, before getting onto the back of the bus, relaxing, then watching the sky open, and the rain tumble down heavily ... The trip out was dark, cold, blowy - quickly regretted taking my long sleeve top out of the bag and leaving behind! Anyway, got in, and proceeded to find the Railway Hotel, which turned out to be a little further away then the map indicated ... Went and got ride starter pack; had some Red Rooster, which I had been looking forward to enjoying; stopped at Hotel, where I ran into people I had taken a photo of earlier :o
10/09 Goondiwindi to Yelarbon 57kms
Day started late, what with people still arriving, and having to restore/prepare bikes. Was quite a carnival atmosphere, with entertainers, music, and smiling faces everywhere. Wore my CQ11 red t-shirt, at least until we were out of town, and then took it off, so as to ride faster, but it was cold! At one point I was starting to wind up, and the computer head fell off ... at which point I discovered that the wire attaching the computer had also broken ... Which kind of made it redundant to be concerned about not having cadence! The ride was actually quite lovely, barrelling along at my own pace, saying hello to lots of people as I passed ... One of the most pleasant experience was barrelling along these absolutely quiet country rides being stalked by the driver of the ambulance - was he touting for business? Then cars would come along, but because of these wobbling cyclists, would not overtake too quickly, so I slotted in behind them for awhile, using the cars for drafting purposes ;) Caught a couple of 'trains' to pass the time, so it was not all passing, passing, get out the fucking way! Yelarbon is a very, very quiet town, tiny in fact. Main road passes through, past the pub, a few shops, and on the other side of the road is the railway station, so naturally enough, the majority of cyclists ended up at the pub :o So had my regulated two (2) beers at the pub, then headed back to the campsite, to meet up with Ian and co. for a bottle of wine, laughter, then dinner. But on way back to the campsite, I meandered through some of the back alleys in town, to gaze into yards, where fencing was more to keep dogs, etc. from wandering than to keep people from entering, or demarcating space/possessiveness. That first night I set myself up in the corner, away from everyone else, but unfortunately also someway from the actual road, so as to make it somewhat difficult to get back on out there ... One of the problems I kept experiencing on the trip as a consequence, and warning against, arriving too early to set up - a delicate balancing act! Anyway, decidedly moved away from all possibility of knowing anyone so as to meet and share the experience(s) with a new bunch of people, only to wake up and see Terry crawl out of a tent about 10m away ...
11/09 Yelarbon to Texas 65kms
Just as I was leaving, I ran into Ian, who asked if he could ride with me for a little while, before I got bored and left him behind in a cloud of dust? Spent the rest of the day trying to keep up with him!!! By the time we got to lunch, I was almost ready to climb on to the sag wagon, he had worn me out so much! Needless to say, we got into Texas before the bloody campsite was even open, and so were forced to come back to the pub for a couple of beers ... That crazy guy from last night was at the pub again, only this time he regaled us with tales about the goings on in Brisbane hotelier history, before teasing us with his intentions to get into a big hot bath with a stiff drink and unwind ... After getting in, showering, wandering about town, sending off a postcard, I went back to the site, and caught the tale end of John (from Epic Cycle) telling the audience about riding up hills, flowing down again - 'controlled descents' ... Best comment? You really needed to having started four (4) weeks ago for the going up the hills ... Looking at him, he was clearly a fellow who spent a lot of time bouncing over rough roads, probably on a flat bar - very accentuated triceps ... Some old guy was wandering about the site with his dog + g/f and so I said hello, as you do. He then had the gall to tell me that my back wheel was out of sync, and so I would be in a lot of trouble tomorrow riding down the hills ... WTF? So I spun the bike upside down and readjusted (by loosening) the front brake to stop it rubbing ...Did I mention that it is rather cold here???
12/09 Texas to Stanthorpe 101kms
An odd day - the longest (official) day, yet also the one that contains the most bumpy bits ... Ian and I rode again, with Ian again belittling his ability, promising not to slow me down too much, as he would be getting on the sag wagon at morning tea ... so we got in there, and I teased him a bit further, saying that at least get to lunch stop, catch the extra sag wagon from there ... then got to lunch, had a bit to eat, refreshed by the previous downhills :) I talked him into taking it slow, and we would call it quits at the afternoon tea spot ... except when we got there I turned to him and said that as it was only another 20km, we may as well press on? But used the tone of a directive, rather than as a question ;) The look on his face when we got in to Stanthorpe was so grey with exhaustion and fatigue - and 'grey' is quite apt, for when I turned to him and congratulated him on doing his first triple figure distance, when he realised the significance, it was like watching a beautiful day revealed by the withdrawal of grey storm clouds ... Needless to say, he deserved the night at the motel with young Pete as a reward ... Given that tomorrow was the rest day (+ I was absolutely nailed - not that I was ever going to admit that to Ian) I felt best to loiter about the site, talking to people about their achievement(s) and how well they had done. For me, one of the most endearing memories was the climb where Ian finally decided to walk (was starting to think he was just teasing me, and would never get off that bloody bike of his), waving me on, telling me that he would see me at the campsite ... But (especially) given that this was before lunch, I just stopped at the top to wait, turned around and saw a sign that proclaimed a 10% descent, so as everyone else just came over the top, there was me clapping them and congratulating them on having done a 10% ascent - isn't that the equivalent of a Category 1 climb in the TdF??? There was a rest day party with James Blundell, but I decided to have an extra glass of wine, then head off to bed ...

Beep, beep

Aha, here I am again, after a (yet another) break in 'transmission' … Oh well, last night was an interesting night of socialising with the workmates … The probationers went bowling, and it was really quite assuring to see so many people there! Spent most the night hanging with Prassad, who seemed a little sad? So got him up and bowling, which made him smile a lot more … Paid for the night $25), but had a beer and nibbled some chips, so am unsure of the value there? Wonder if that could be written off as a 'work related expense'? ;) However, did win $50 on the Powerball draw earlier - well, I paid, but Ranjet picked the number, so I suppose (technically) WE won … funnily enough, when I found out, I tapped him on the shoulder, offered him some money, he waved me off … So, when I got it, I thought to at least make him take $10? But when I spoke to him, he was like 'half will be fine' :o lol

There was also a gathering of Maureen's group down at the RSL club, what with all the teams being redistributed, and Trent going off into the City to a new job soon. Tried to chat more with the people that I have not spent much time with, e.g. Marinos and Tracey, but was not the greatest of conversationalists! Leisha was there too, so nattered on for a bit … Then all were off to have further drinks, etc. so Trent got me to drive them over there :o where I ended the night with my favourite security officer going 'No ID, no entry' …. so I came home.

Trent came by in the morning, suitably seedy + remorseful - seems Laura had FB in the evening, but the notification was not received until morning - so went to Hungry Jacks for breakfast, including a very, very bizarre concoction of an affogato, but made on soft serve … Then made him come with me to Dan Murphy's to be copious amounts of wine … so the wine rack is full(er) now :)

Actually, rather than make this a really, really long rave - so mush to tell - what I might do is publish and go?

To begin ... Again

Oh my, protect me from the innocent! …

Gawd, horrendously drunk … who would have thought?

… Um, yeah …

Anyway, to carry on, today was the feared initial meeting re annual PDA, and it was not quite a debacle! Am trying to understand what is required from/for these people, and sometimes perception shines a light through, illuminating progress …

Claims my stats are good - well, apart from adherence to schedules, but then says that is not important … So why rate it as a KPI?

Odd, very odd … Am a little surprised at some of the numbers though - avg talk of 1min, avg hold time 5min … WTF?

Anyway, shall see what progresses or follows …

Reset flat, so that other room has desk for writing, plus clothes, books, etc.; main room has bean bag and television, but rather empty otherwise; and, have moved iMac into bedroom, so that I can lie in bed typing, exploring, reading … Except that I had to adjust the resolution so that I could read stuff :o

Let me just say in passing that I have got my tights (Giramondo) back, and although there are a few more holes than i remember, they look/feel so fine …

Um, apparently 09/08/11 was 'International Indigenous Day' …. so why did I have to find out from Wikipedia?

Hmm, then again ...

Sad, sorry? In what sense? Tormented by failed aspirations, flawed dreams, relieved by the absence of others, here I am, and I need to acknowledge that it is all down to me? Hmm ... doe that sound odd?
Life, hey? There we were, 3 vs 1000!!! Geez we beat the shit out of those 3 guys ...
Anyway, tonight is the beginning of the mountains in TdF, and it will be interesting to see who comes out to play, what little games are played by the GC contenders ...
Screaming silences erupt around me, and I know not what to do ... Pervaded by sense(s) of (a)loneliness, wondering what to do, how to do it ... am I getting too old for all of this? Why is it I can not simply just give up, fall back into normalcy, be acceptable to the main? Maybe I am just searching for answers in the wrong place(s)? Trying to understand wherefore lies the responsibility of alterity, balanced by acceptance? Is that really so hard?
Of course I am tempted by the prospect of giving in to the pervasiveness of accepting that I am 'wrong', but ... if me, why not somebody else too? Is it a true memory that speaks of me being told that the high standards I set for myself are not articulated, so why am I disappointed when others fail to reach such aspirational heights? Maybe it is that I am a romantic, still believe in a sense of worthiness which is not acceptable in the modern world, and so perhaps I am just the arch-conservative, or recidivist?

p.s. However, since saying all this, I must conceed that it is not to say that I pessimistic or depressed, for there are lights shining bright, illustrating the valiant efforts of one amongst many, as it were. Current 'obsession' is determining what is 'good' in this modern world, what does it mean, and how can I undertake to do 'good'?

Tired + bland

Been awhile. Maybe too long? But then, how long is a piece of string, as they say? At least I am alive, breathing, still sensing. Although, what I am sensing is confusion, no sense of relief.
What has been happening? Well, not much riding - lucky to do it once a week at present, and the weather is only partially to blame - not having any cold weather clothes (e.g. arm/leg warmers) certainly does impinge on my enthusiasm! But then I have not anything about the fact that I have a room full of stuff at Sandgate, still unresolved, still uncontested, still.
Feel a definite loss of centredness, floating about in a miasm, pushed/pulled by forces that have naught to do with me, but still they encroach on me, destroying my sense of balance, adherence to stability ... Something is missing. Not eating 'properly' - not really eating dinner at all of late ... Since Monday this week, I think I have consumed three (3) bags of chips, drank copious amounts of cider, and even went to bed hungry one night?
Monday, oh Monday ... last thing Friday afternoon, leaving, Karla siddles up to say meeting with t/l + a/d 1st thing Monday, nothing to do about it, so don't worry. Wot me worry? Worry as in all good - do you want to do APS 4 job for awhile?; worry as in nothing you can do about it - here is your 14 days notice? Monday, even dressed for the meeting. Although seems I had forgotten socks, so had to wear Volleys instead. Anyway, had to face 3 'complaints' - gave advice to consolidating VinE about FBT to deal with enquiry (which is odd, because I do not have that great opinion about her); failed to deal with a panicing CSR who could not tell me what she wanted, so I did not know how to respond to the question ('she did not know what she wanted, so don't worry about that one' I am told); told Heather's group to 'shut their mouth' which is a Code violation, was not adhering to APS values, etc. (went to speak to Heather, thought they were all on break because the group was so loud and disruptive, realised that she was training, spoke up, and said 'please pay attention to your trainer and show the respect that you would expect' before walking off. Which did serve to silence the group)
Acknowledged that no support given, etc. but nothing has changed since or during. Spoke to a/d the next morning, acknowledged wrong way to do things, nothing further would come of it, t/l under a number of stresses, etc.
Floor walking for rest of week with trainees, Friday afternoon question from one about following scripting, not do POI, give PRN for HELP. Advise (as did 2 other floorwalkers) to be safe, do POI, argument that not what scripting says, advise whatever. Later notice all upset, blubbing, approach, to be told that I belittle and treat as LBH only!!! :o WTF??? Yet I am the one that has to apologise for looking out for them?
Have four days off, and I think I will need it too! Even though I have already accrued too much flex again ... Ooppss!!! But, what can you do?
Was to go to Spirit fair with P/A, but she cancelled. Which was quite good as I am not sure I could have coped. Even though I am trying to convince myself that it was something that needed to be done. Get so exhausted by people, so drained by interaction/dealing with foibles for such a long periods of time ... Told the training group that I generally have 25min relationships, yet would be with them, dealing intimately with them for 2 weeks ... wonder if they now can appreciate what it was that I meant by this, by how drained I am by such closeness?
Things to do this w/e, but feel so drained, husk-like, that I really just want to crawl into bed, turn the lights off, and sleep until it is over? Not that this has ever happened before, ever worked before, or offered anything more than a surcrease from the tidal waves crashing upon me ... but what did my stars in the local paper say?
Might go get some vegies + see if those t-shirts are available at Big-W, for I found some that read 'beer kats' which I think would be appropriate for the males of the team? Have to first see if there are any left, though ... :o

Just a few things of note

In my recent travels/adventures, I have come across a ute that I quite like and a pair of shoes that I have bought.

Inky, pinky, ponky …

Daddy had a donkey …

Daddy died, donkey cried …

Inky pinky, ponky …

So, here I am 1 year/12 months/365 days later (not that I am counting)… sipping on a glass of single malt, pondering differences, contemplating sameness, wondering why …

Nearly smacked Trent tonight, and there is no reason why he would know … Walking through the Chermside shops, amazed at the diversity of people, listening to my iPod, there is a sensation of somebody calling to me, then I am aware of a group of male youths separating, one heading across the front, signalling for my attention, the other continuing onwards, perpendicular to my direction of travel … oh wait, the former is Trent …

There is, I would hasten to suggest, something to be said for this odd phenomena of starting again at 43 … truly weird, and yet liberating? So much for trying to sustain relationships. So much for trying to sacrifice myself upon the alter of the reality of others. Here I sit, with Nova Nation filling space with pleasant noise vibrating across the diminished space, all alone, and yet cocooned in a blissful sense of alternate realities, yet which are real to me!

What sort of life is this where I come from a 0745-1600 (Sun)day at work, collect the junk mail, settle down with a cider to read, and then hear the girl in the flat below screaming out in the throes of sexual pleasure? Am I missing something? I think not … ;)

Did I mention that I lashed out and bought a 27" iMac for the pleasure of one? What I am to do with the dubious distinction of wonderfulness I am still not sure, but what pleasure(s) there are to be in exploring, hey? ;)

Alright, I am going to bed, for an early night, etc. (even though I have tomorrow off) but I also have the 3rd part of the Hamilton trilogy … delayed pleasures?

btw, what am I to do with/about Rachael? My thoughts/dreams have been filled with her of late :o but she tells me that she has decided to take her sense of completeness by being with … umm, what is his name? the crazed/crazy psychomanipulative pseudo yank? 'He has gone into the psych ward, been sectioned, and I cannot leave him now!' Except that you knew that well before you got involved … Again

Anyway, enough with the looking behind, making sure that people are keeping up, but at the expense of me soaring … maybe it is time to let go, to fly away?

Alone again, but more so

Hmm, some time has passed ... or maybe I just passed out and did not note the passage of time?
Am thinking that living here is worse than living by myself - at least on my own, I would only be triping over my mess ... So must concentrate on the +ve aspects, make this whole experience work for me! Rather than list a litany of woes, let me list some of the advantages:

• Gas stove;
• Big backyard, which I am converting one corner into a type of vegie patch;
• Quiet out here;
• Close to beach-maybe 10mins walk? Now just need to find a decent fishmonger, and I will be right; and,
• Moderately cheap to live here - pay $350/fn, and I do not think I will be too keen to contribute to bills on top of that?

So, concentrate on the relative cheapness, wholeness of living here, look to the future-plan for post 22/12/12? Move on that, see where it goes?
Must say that I do feel quite isolated out here, do not fratinise with people, so that is one thing that I must look at changing - live up to my 'facilitator' moniker?
UNKLE is coming to town, but 03/05 is a Tuesday, dash it all, so school day follows ... Inger has indicated a willingness to come along, so may be an excuse to go along? The recent stuff is interesting, so should check out pricing, see if I can justify such an adventure? Actually, tickets are $60, so maybe an opportunity there ... Could be a night for not excessive drinking? Arrange so that I finish early, then start late the next day? Thoughts/possibilities ... :o
Amy sent me a text saying 'give me your account details, I will deposit $850', so gave account details, but followed with '$950 would be more appropriate, seeing as you did no work or contributed no effort'. Have not heard back from her, or seen the money, since ... Strange that ...
Finally finished letter to Mark, now just need to get it into the post ... Has taken SO long to write to him, and it is only three (3) pages!!! Guess these days I am totally fixated on electronic means of communication? Sent him two (2) months worth of Muzic Geekz play lists, just to make him feel included, or to show him where we are at Down Under ...
Hmm, must say that no other really relevant news to impart, so until next time ...
Oh, am really, really missing Ray-so want to ring her up, say 'hi', share + care, but ...

Wot up, dud???

So, what has been happening?
Well, I am glad that you asked ... :)
Got my ATO job (in the middle row - CS&S, but at Chermside), and oddly enough, I seem to be about the only one that cares! Well, apart from Leepeesa ... Initially added to Order of Merit (at #185), then a formal offer came through. Sky is rather distraught about the whole affair, having been placed 200th on the list. But what really, really strikes me as odd is that people like Chris went straight through to the initial offering ... Proving that I had better pick up my interrelationship skills, and that fluff is greater than knowledge, etc.
Had not received any confirmation from Drakos re. lease, so moved in with JimE out at Brighton, and yes it is a long way to Garden City! A rather nice little 2BR, polished wood floors, gas stove, and high kitchen bench! Oh, and a rather decent long yard in which to put vegie garden, etc. So we shall see, for at the moment he is driving me insane with his 'Going to change, do the right thing' but then expecting it all to miraculously occur! Very strong on the 'Don't ask me for anything' ...
Guess the lesson there is to just accept solo position, let him ask for stuff, and lead a better life accordingly? Get with it, or get lost?
Went to Surfers Paradise with him, stayed at Crown Towers, and what a week that was!

• Rained heavily on 1st day (to point where I got so drenched that I lost him on final leg to rooms! Although, this was not helped by him not sharing the info that we needed to turn left at lights, instead of going straight on), and then intermittently for rest of week. Got up some mornings to find that glasses, ashtray, etc. (which he had just left lying there overnight) were filled with rainwater!
• Discovered that if I did not do the washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. nobody did! So I just stopped. Actually, I think he did wash up once
• Had a few people visit - Trent, Inger, Robbo + son - but the latter did nothing, except leave mess, whilst the other two more than cleaned after themselves.
• Speaking of which, am not quite sure how I managed, but ended up nude in bed with Inger :o She had come over whilst Trent was visiting, and I thought to have a languid afternoon, sipping Barcardi + lime, maybe going for a swim later? Ended up in pool, floating around with her, JimE went back to room. Got cold, felt like going out, so went back to room to find JimE crashed out, having a nanna nap! So went into bedroom to talk, next thing in bed naked, then heard JimE get up, so that all ended ... But how does she do this to me??? Gives meaning to the whole FWB cycle? Anyway, they went to Good Vibrations on Saturday, and had a terrible time, apparently?
• Got horribly burnt!!! Got up one morning, decided to go for a walk along beach. Decided to put podcast on, just walk until it finished, pull off, having something to eat, then go back to beach, and put another podcast on for the walk back ... Now, each podcast is ~1hr, so that was a hour out, pottered around for maybe another 30mins, then a hour back, and I had not left that early, so by the time I was close to home, the sun was rather high in the sky ... Must say, at times the beach was a veritable pedestrian version of peak hour congestion, with so many other people walking at that time :o
• Also took the bike out for a bit of a spin on Saturday - being either too wet or too sunburnt on previous days to undertake anything substantial. Got down to Tugan, thinking to ride down and do loop around Coolangatta, Raindow Beach, before heading back. But, as I came down hill towards service station, heard strange clunking noises, so pull off to check tyres, as I was concerned that I had embedded glass ... Turned out to be chewing gum, which was picking up and holding just bits of road roc, etc. before flicking off ... Anyway, that was enough for me, so turned around and came back ... Must say, there were complete moments of harmony, 'zing', or buzz, where the noise of riding drowned out all else, worries, thoughts, concerns ... :)
• Kept telling myself that I would go out and do more things, but I guess I am kind of happy to have done all that I did? Had steak + beers at Clock Hotel; did lots of beach sitting + swimming; saw the full moon come through, in all its glory, and even got some photos to prove it; swam quite a bit (although, think I may have got warned a few times by lifeguards for going too far out); watched a show on Max of the 100 greatest guitar songs, and I actually knew some of them!

Gawd, so brain dead from working this week - travelling in from home, trying to do half hour o/t each night, but doing more than that most nights. Already. Then there was the thunderstorm that rolled in on Monday afternoon, followed by torrential rain, which flooded a station on the way. Leading to me not getting home until about 2300hrs. Then on Tuesday night, I was accosted by Translink lackeys, who informed that I had not swiped on/off properly at Southbank, argued fruitlessly with me, and then put me off the train at Toombul, making me wait another 30 mins for the next train! In the rain ...
Have downloaded some stuff onto Silver Rocket, including Aristotle's 'Nicomachean ethics', but unable to find 'Sund und zeit' or Derrida! Well, not for free, anyway :) Also came across a few papers worth reading, so downloaded them for later perusal?
Have a letter to Gregor that is just not getting finished ... leading me to worry about my powers of concentration? Having set myself the goal of writing to him, I took the letter along to the last 'Music geekz' gig put on by 4zzz at Rumpus Room, 1st Sunday of the month? So, nearly a month ago now ... For whatever reason, it is of some bizarre recognition that I can happily type out these words, respond to emails, even provide substantial notes in my communications with clients, as I update their Taxation records, but cannot sustain a level of written communication when writing to somebody ... Especially somebody on the other side of the world, too! Bit like playing NWN - could be doing that as I rock from side to side, travelling in and out by day/night, instead of typing this missive? lol
Should I mention what I got up to for my birthday? Or that Trent + Skyy have broken up? Or that I am about to go off to see a financial planner in the morning? That I still have not found any reasonable or comfortable setup for foodstuffs?
Always seems to be something going on!!!

Wot, a year? :o

So ...
Let me preface all of this by saying this is about me, my perceptions, the way that I feel about things that happen to me, around me. So if you are mentioned, if you are not mentioned, tough shit. Not so long ago, I was very confident in saying that this was the absolutely worst year in living memory, but thanks to Jen + Ray (although, after being rung up tonight and abused, I am flabbergasted at the implications of 'You are not sticking to the rules' - what rules? if we are playing some sort of game, could someone tell me what the rules are? Welcome to reality), the year ended on a rather interesting 'hi' ...
[But after effect of that shock is that I have not linked as much as I should have with these notes]

42, and these things happened ...

• Daddy died
• Fell off bike
• Fractured clavicle
• Brother fractured ribs and eye socket
• Moved five (5) times
• Had sex with three (3) girls, and no guys or dogs
• Worked at Centrelink, ATO, Go Via (Qld Motorways)
• Went to Sunset Sounds
• Did research project on RFID for brother
• Paid off credit card(s)
• Bought a road bike
• Black Opium - an 'interesting' art show of interaction between Aboriginals and opium, way back then. Nothing new, nothing gob smacking, but appreciate the effort
• Bought two (2) Sigma 1606 cycle computers - kept losing the head units
• Had a fling with narcotics (pills, powders) but to no avail
• Bought an Irigaray book 'Sharing the world' but for Mere
• Went to see Riptides at the UQ 100th b/day with Michelle, and there was Cam :)
• Made some very nice rissottoes
• Drank some rather decent alcohol-'01 Bin 128, Grey Goose vodka, Barcardi 151
  
• Emailed some corporations to express pleasure and gratitude for their products
• Read a very interesting book 'An edge in the kitchen' that changed my life, and the way that I perceive the world
• Reconnected with old friends (Jenny, Chrissi, Rachael, Emmy), met some new people (Moira, Trent)
• Bought this comp - 'Siver Rocket'
• Got my sister a lotto ticket for her b/day, got 4 numbers :)
• Wrote review of Crumpler 'Salary sacrifice'
• Saw a performance of Coogee at Jubilee Hotel, one languid Sunday
• Came second in the overall Trivia competition
• Sold most of shares
• Phone died very suddenly, so I lost a tremendous amount of contacts and references :(
  
• Saw a band at Boundary 'Black pudding' that was very encouraging
• Saw a performance of Peter Hook ((+ friends) doing 'Unknown pleasures'
• Went to UCI World Cup
  
• A lot and lot of training at ATO
• Saw Lost Domain gig with friends
• Rode to Gold Coast
• Great get togethers with work mates, shared time with some great people
• Got a new phone - HTC 'Wildfire' + new Nano

So, here I go again, so in the air, so much to change, so much open to change ... All I want to do is settle down, have a base of operation, be safe to move around ... sigh :o

Here we go (in)to the Sunset (Sounds)

Here we are again, with rain falling, again and again ... Seems some of the dams that were parched only a few brief months ago are now overflowing, to the point where water has been released, to cascade further down the valley, to add to the woes of those further down stream ... as if the weather has not been affecting them anyway ... lol
Went to Sunset Sounds, and had a fairly fun time ... With that spare ticket, I took Ray, who seems to have mysteriously resurfaced in my life ... Again ... A rather confusing situation, maybe? As if I am to be controlled, rather than the controller? But where did that sentiment come from? May need to recusitate past notes, but it seems that her position is one of pretending to know what she wants, and that I am to just follow along as best as I am able? At present it would seem that the best option is to just not involve myself, to just carry on as the facilitator of what wanted ... Of course, the complicating factor is Cameron ...
Anyway, the 2 day annual get together was quite a bit of fun :)
Joan Jett was particularly amusing - half the audience had seen the 'Runaways' film, and were bopping along, saying 'Oh yeah, she was in that movie I saw' ... Amongst the rest were people like me going 'I remember when ...'
Public Enemy was so energetic, get up and bounce! They still had a few lads on stage in their camo, but at least the uniforms had been updated to reflect the changes in the US disguise techniques ... One of the most attractive features was how they jumped about, dragged the audience along with them, and made it all so much fun!
Paul Kelly had his moments, that is for sure!

Today, not sure what time to begin at work, so thought I may as well iron some shirts, take them in, check to see if I started early - start at 10 ... Anyway, in anticipation for this possibility, just in case, why the hell not, have taken Silver rocket with me, so that I can update this. But got bored, so logged in, and there is Chrissie :) Tooth was hurting, forgot to take pain meds, so hope there were some in my bag ... Aha, there is one, albeit wrapped in plastic ... So had one, even though strange markings on tab, did not taste 'right' ... oh wait, that was a sleeping tablet :o DASH!!! How old am I again?

Well, the floods came, but no where near what was anticipated :( So had a few nights of preparation for the Apocolypse, but then kept waking up! Sort of defeats the purpose really ... It is Friday now, and there is a lot to do-seems the Joynt was not as badly affected as anticipated! Wish I could go and help out there, but wandering around on Wednesday morning, in anticipation for the full effect to become apparent, I have rubbed my little toes almost raw, and so am having some difficulty walking with shoes on ... Fortunately, wandering around barefoot in West End is not so out of place as some areas in town! Weird, but with some people losing houses, etc. (not that anyone I know has been that badly affected-the worst complaint has been the lose of power by many), and all I have to complain about is that my toes hurt, can't get access to my money, and that I am drinking too much Life sure is odd at times ... 'Forced' to take the rest of the week off from Wednesday by ATO, so I hope that we get paid ... Could be interesting, very interesting, if it eventuates that this is to be 'unpaid leave', as it were ... Something to look forward to, come Monday ...
Has been a rather interesting time to cook things, however, so at least I am using my time productively for something ... Went out to shop on Wednesday, and Coles had shut already, so went to delis down road. Anyway, long story short, still had some octupii in freezer, so grabbed all these ingredients (wakame, tobasco, onions, shallots, garlic, ginger, dark soy, bonito flakes, lemon juice, sesame oil, rice bran oil, fish sauce, red miso, red pepper) lying around and threw them all into a sort of hot/sour miso soup, sort of thing, with some frozen vegetables ... Surprised at how good it tasted, really :) Funnily enough, put 1 bowl of water into the wok, had 2 bowls of soup ...
Bored now ...