Bloody hell - finally get around to starting to write again, and somebody has pinched my bloody pens! Life in here is just so mundane, closed in, and generally all very closed to outside stimuli. So much hunger, so much food, so much time, so much sleeping, so lethargic, so much diazepam, and on top of all that, there are the effects of the other drugs … Am eating way too much and doing so little that I fear for the physical state - probably will balloon up into something grotesque all too quickly :( What could have happened to the pens? Have they really disappeared into the land of 'taken, not lost'? Dash … Wow! And now it turns out that the fourth one, the one from Daddy, has also gone away … and it certainly had in no way been left out …
Another day, another pen … Sitting at cafe awaiting D and her amazing powers of production, to see what can be created from nothingness. Had a nice chat to a Greenpeace girl before she began her shift soliciting support/money from passer-bys. Apparently C is missing me - although why I did not think of it at the time, but maybe just putting him on to the phone would have worked better than suggesting I go around there later … Whilst the character of Stones Corner is much the same, the characters have certainly changed. So many with money and time wander by, looking for all that like they really do not have much else to do except this wandering about. And away we go … A waiting game to be more accurate!!! And then, I manage to spear myself in the finger, jostle the packet, wet my pants … but then the blessed relief comes, and it suddenly does not matter so much … Told myself I should have waited until I got to DJ's, but patience is not always so easy? Even if the sum total greatly justifies such outcomes … Time to kick back with a Lowenstrau, have a shower, then put a JJJ Hot 100 CD on - does it get better than this? More to the point, how do we maintain momentum? Or should that be 'Rage'? ;)
So, I is into her Library Tech course, so that means that she will have to come to Brisbane for evening classes … Odd little situation that/this one - so fraught with complications, yet such an Ab Fab bake. Decisions, decisions … and then there are the considerations of other peoples needs and desires as well. Enough to send a bloke balmy, I tell you! And so much for just spending a few days getting my feet back underneath me. Suddenly people are wanting me to do things with/for them, and suddenly my calendar is filling up … Maybe I am loved? :) Oh, how easy it is to get busy again! And more so to start planning a future … But I must stay focussed on the real things like getting a job … Which, of course, sets off its own set of necessities - computer for applications, printer for output, etc. Mother has (typically) made a magnanimous offer, and then very quickly retracted it when pressed for details. Her 'People always feel better when they contribute to something' really seems to mean 'You must go and consume like a 'normal' person' … Could possibly survive without a computer, you know … Am thinking more about bike riding again - might even find out about the Baum?
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So, here I am much, much later, having watched (yet again) 'About a boy', the central theme of all good things in their own good time. My fickle problems of going to Melbourne for Ti rings and fountain pen, but finding neither, pales (really) against real time concerns - is it really too much effort? Or am I just so fey??? Anyway, R, bloody R, what am I to do with her and how am I to do it? She has a b/f, found happiness/stability, yet still rings me when she is unhappy/depressed, taunts me with how sexually excited I make her feel, about the fantasies that would please her for me to realise - but what about her man? Am I wrong to worry about the children? My concern is that much goes on, but she is (again?) so caught up in herself that little heed is paid to them … plugged into television, palmed off into the care of others, and she continues on with nary a pause - seems she has barely (if at all) moved beyond childhood herself :( … So, what am I to do? Really, nothing to do with me, and by the actions of the girl-child, she certainly does not want any contact with me … C, dear C, would be nice to share time/space, but what a battle that would be … maybe it is a battle worth fighting??? How can she have all this given to her, and make no effort towards recompense, rebate, or even token efforts towards return? Fell taunted/teased, that all this crass consumerism - clothes, car, computer - is flaunting the sheer shallowness of it all, this is a situation that, I fear, will have only one outcome, with the only question being the timing of the inevitable … But, I am not involved, deliberately excluded, and at this point, it must be stated, that, in all good conscience, there is not an awful lot that I can do … as it is, I am barely tolerated, a source of mockery, a well in which to pour vitriol and draw out sustence, something to hold me back to then, the skeins loosely binding me, tighter and tighter, but to what purpose(s)? What future can R offer? For what purpose? In another way, how does this add to the sum of my life/existence? How does it enable me to make the world a better place???
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