b4

So, here we go again … thoughts, memories, bits, all arrayed like turbulent scales falling from the eyes of self-delusionment. Inevitably the weight of thoughts rushing to be made word will be overwhelming to the speed of transcription. The last of many such records of ongoing interests and wonderment … But enough of such ramblings, for now, and on to the real thoughts and considerations - this has been a 'good' life, one of giving and not taking, beyond our needs. In the terms of 'virtue' ethics, have I 'excelled'? To be honest, no; indeed, much of my attempts have been to consciously not, as if to deny my destiny, to move above and beyond expectations, particularly that of my Mother, she of such socially normative wants. However, my passage through life would seem to have made others' better, in giving of myself so that others may blossom, or go on. Or has it? To be certain, it is tiring being the one who responds to stated wants by keeping the pressure applied, providing the requisite support, and then being blamed/vilified for efforts! What makes people think that this is easy - if it was so easy, they could do it themselves!!! Which may be why I would not have minded someone else having extended themselves for me in some realisable sense. So maybe that is my justification for what goes on, and the processes that I employ? Remembering the scene in 'Blade runner', where Ruger Hauer comments on what a life it is that can encompass so many, and so much, wonder(s) and still be just 'a' life, struck a chord. To be one eyed in the kingdom of the blind can be to realise that more is possible, that there is still something more that is missing. To be damned to keep searching for that missing eye … [short intermission comparing Praktica PL with a Pentax k-1000] …

A glass of Coopers Sparkling Ale, a pen in hand, paper in front of you - suddenly I see the attraction to G-man :o and can share some of his pleasure(s)? As elected, when the sense of urgency arises, when things become 'time critical', as it were, the more attention is paid to how time simply runs runs out, how things remain undone, or (more correctly) unattended to due to time constraints. No matter how embarrassing, inconvenient, or even humiliating it may have been to have departed Geelong leaving the house in that state, the simplest awareness is that time ran out, and nothing more could be done. Bit like life really: you have your allotted time, and when it has passed, so do you, and there ain't much more you can do … Can one regret the foods not tried, meals not eaten, wines not drunk? To be sure, there are many, many more 'things' to be experienced, but then if there was not, one would be sated and jaded?

What is it about people that allows them to do so much damage to each other? Thinking about the neighbours' of M, where one discourages another (+ g/f) from staying with him, in considering his options, I am struck by the paucity of his possibilities - ringing the locksmith is not an option, if only because money is not an option. So the 'simplest' answer of just changing the locks is not available. Having the police around introduces its own level of complications, ranging from having State intervention + surveillance, to their reluctance to become involved in a 'domestic' dispute, to pitting one brother against another. So, what to do???

Then came along the 'Big Day Out' with its highs :o and lows, but at least D made it … After all that, I managed to get a rather decent shot of speed, and a little taste to close down the day. The unfortunate outcome being that a severe case of failing to 'rise to the occasion' occurred! The most ironic aspect was I feeling that not having sex the night before meant that she was frustrating me … que? … and wanted to do something about it later … Physically I is a contradiction - she looks, and has the body, of a much younger person. Indeed, it is almost boyish in the way that she is so thin, lightly muscled, and yet there are areas of softness to highlight her femininity, of which there can be no doubt. Mentally she seems to oscillate between being pleased at her good fortune, and being scared, but at least she is not panicking … much! Her habit of asking questions is a good means to encourage me to contemplate aspects of, or question, issues or concerns. However, it is important to remain alert to the reality of questions often neither being contextual nor sequential, hence the need to remember the adage 'if you do not understand, please ask' …

The skin of my forearms has only just stopped peeling, yet already I have gone and scrapped my nose raw …

So, the central women in my life at present are giving me the highs and lows … What to do? What an interesting bunch of people I have come to visit!  Maybe I have become a Puritan in my old age, but I am shocked by the relentless drug use, particularly caffeine, that these girls are using … There is much of the uppers in the morning, downers at night. The shattering of gestalt, as in Case + Linda in 'Neuromancer' surrounds me, shattering all about, touching everyday realities and comfort zones. Awakening to cosier possibilities, immeshed in lethargy, spun out in the web of construction, where sometimes the rhetoric has to match the actions?

Still hère, puddling along, trying to find a path through the gestalt of conflicting ways of being. Tolerance is such a wonderful thing - learning to deal with each others' foibles when each is so set in their ways requires such patience and dedication. Was it just me? [Diatribe about N + M] My tastes, whist eclectic, would also seem to be quite established, yet mundane - as I sit here sipping Brandy + Dry, all I can think about is Vodka … 

Can women sense/feel this sense of unease that dares them without informing them of what the contents of that concern may be?