Checking inn

Hmm, this riding of a bus out into the suburbs is reminiscent of why I prefer to ride! Asian woman behind me yabbering her head off LOUDLY ... seat is SO small that my knees are jammed up ... but, it IS raining outside, sporadically, so it is probably for the best that I am protected? Besides, get to see an interesting batch of people, Brisbane citizens, sharing and enjoying this wonderful City, weather and all ... Oh wait, that loudmouth idiot is departing! Am I allowed to be pleased?
In life, there seems to be much happening ... Ah, that is better - just thought of another way to adjust the volume on these speakers :) Must say, am impressed with the relative output of the speakers/earbuds ... Anyway, life ... seems I am getting negative perspectives on my calls :o Have lashed out and purchased a Garmin 500, but am not riding enough :( Always tomorrow ... Trying to eat more healthy, using the macrobiotic ideals, but really it comes down to more fruit/vegies, less shit ... Did cook up a rather nice little turkey hindquarter last night ...
Have been trying to be more social - and it is interesting that I refer to it as an 'effort' ... But went to Harvest Festival on Saturday, and went to see the preview showing of X, coutesty of Stumpy ... must say, the film started off, and I thought that it was a bit blaise, a little too reminescent of other films, but from the middle onwards, it literally sang with energy  ... impressed! Of course, I really do need to get out and see more films? But glad to note that when I do make the 'effort', it is worthwhile! Went with young Trent, and I miss confess to a few moments of 'oops' thoughts, as there are a number of scenes in the movie which were a little bit too much for his young sensibilities ...
Am off to visit Mother, this being her 70th birthday, I feel an exception (and trip) can be made out to the suburbs, to visit and bestow our blessings? As a token, I have purchased a CWA cookbook, as the style of cooking reminds me of where my influences had come from, and I hope it does the same for her? Anyway, time to put this to 'sleep' ...
Well, that was a trip worth making, but to no avail - knocked, but nobody home :( Or, nobody answered, anyway ... But I saw Armadeo in his car down at Civic Fair, so all was not lost. Echoes, connections, reflections ... will go back to City, and compose a text message instead. Left book by the front door, hoping that it would not be too conspicuous to a passerby, and yet noticed by somebody using the door ... Assuming of course that the door is used ... Bit hard to see what is going on, what plans have eventuated, what plans are afoot, for change is evident, but it is hard to recognise as 'good' change, so no comment is possible ... Ah, did not take any photos either. Sometimes are more reliable for being so faulty, hey? As seems to be the way, much is the same at the strip shops, and yet there are many changes, subtle or otherwise. Toni's is still there, but the National bank building is empty. Seemingly there is much about the conservative nature that impacts upon us, echoing or restoring those things that have defined our past in determining our future by dictating the shape of our present, in delineating how we determine ourselves?
There is something to be said for the sight of a blue haired girl sitting with a pearl encrusted matron sipping a drink outside of a place called Classic cakes ...
Hmm, interesting how these words seem to flow ... maybe it was a good idea to bring the ePC on this 'roadtrip'? Or maybe it is more a reflection that I do not devote enough time to that which I love (have loved in the past)? Seem to have so many tools, and yet struggle to fully exploit their capabilities? Wish I could say that time presses ever onwards, determining what is to be done. But the reality is that you find the time to do what needs to be done. As always ...
Hmm, more blue hair ... Sleep time again? Maybe not ... Stones Corner has certainly changed :o Busway, shops, people ... yet still oddly seedy ...Wonder if the bikies and drugs still permeate the area? Probably not, looking at the place :( Still no word from Trent, so maybe will do lunch, maybe not ... Oh well, now it is sleepy time ...
Finally, two (2) things to round it all off with ... Why do some people get onto a bus (especially) and sit on the aisle seat, thus taking up both seats? Especially women and/or people from a NESB ... is space so paramount that it overrides manners? Really am most confused about such things, such behaviour(s) ... And can't remember what my other 'complaint' was, so ...

The beginning of this next wave ...

Bloody hell - finally get around to starting to write again, and somebody has pinched my bloody pens! Life in here is just so mundane, closed in, and generally all very closed to outside stimuli. So much hunger, so much food, so much time, so much sleeping, so lethargic, so much diazepam, and on top of all that, there are the effects of the other drugs … Am eating way too much and doing so little that I fear for the physical state - probably will balloon up into something grotesque all too quickly :( What could have happened to the pens? Have they really disappeared into the land of 'taken, not lost'? Dash … Wow! And now it turns out that the fourth one, the one from Daddy, has also gone away … and it certainly had in no way been left out …

Another day, another pen … Sitting at cafe awaiting D and her amazing powers of production, to see what can be created from nothingness. Had a nice chat to a Greenpeace girl before she began her shift soliciting support/money from passer-bys. Apparently C is missing me - although why I did not think of it at the time, but maybe just putting him on to the phone would have worked better than suggesting I go around there later … Whilst the character of Stones Corner is much the same, the characters have certainly changed. So many with money and time wander by, looking for all that like they really do not have much else to do except this wandering about. And away we go … A waiting game to be more accurate!!! And then, I manage to spear myself in the finger, jostle the packet, wet my pants … but then the blessed relief comes, and it suddenly does not matter so much … Told myself I should have waited until I got to DJ's, but patience is not always so easy? Even if the sum total greatly justifies such outcomes … Time to kick back with a Lowenstrau, have a shower, then put a JJJ Hot 100 CD on - does it get better than this? More to the point, how do we maintain momentum? Or should that be 'Rage'? ;)

So, I is into her Library Tech course, so that means that she will have to come to Brisbane for evening classes … Odd little situation that/this one - so fraught with complications, yet such an Ab Fab bake. Decisions, decisions … and then there are the considerations of other peoples needs and desires as well. Enough to send a bloke balmy, I tell you! And so much for just spending a few days getting my feet back underneath me. Suddenly people are wanting me to do things with/for them, and suddenly my calendar is filling up … Maybe I am loved? :) Oh, how easy it is to get busy again! And more so to start planning a future … But I must stay focussed on the real things like getting a job … Which, of course, sets off its own set of necessities - computer for applications, printer for output, etc. Mother has (typically) made a magnanimous offer, and then very quickly retracted it when pressed for details. Her 'People always feel better when they contribute to something' really seems to mean 'You must go and consume like a 'normal' person' … Could possibly survive without a computer, you know … Am thinking more about bike riding again - might even find out about the Baum?

...

So, here I am much, much later, having watched (yet again) 'About a boy', the central theme of all good things in their own good time. My fickle problems of going to Melbourne for Ti rings and fountain pen, but finding neither, pales (really) against real time concerns - is it really too much effort? Or am I just so fey??? Anyway, R, bloody R, what am I to do with her and how am I to do it? She has a b/f, found happiness/stability, yet still rings me when she is unhappy/depressed, taunts me with how sexually excited I make her feel, about the fantasies that would please her for me to realise - but what about her man? Am I wrong to worry about the children? My concern is that much goes on, but she is (again?) so caught up in herself that little heed is paid to them … plugged into television, palmed off into the care of others, and she continues on with nary a pause - seems she has barely (if at all) moved beyond childhood herself :( … So, what am I to do? Really, nothing to do with me, and by the actions of the girl-child, she certainly does not want any contact with me … C, dear C, would be nice to share time/space, but what a battle that would be … maybe it is a battle worth fighting??? How can she have all this given to her, and make no effort towards recompense, rebate, or even token efforts towards return? Fell taunted/teased, that all this crass consumerism - clothes, car, computer - is flaunting the sheer shallowness of it all, this is a situation that, I fear, will have only one outcome, with the only question being the timing of the inevitable … But, I am not involved, deliberately excluded, and at this point, it must be stated, that, in all good conscience, there is not an awful lot that I can do … as it is, I am barely tolerated, a source of mockery, a well in which to pour vitriol and draw out sustence, something to hold me back to then, the skeins loosely binding me, tighter and tighter, but to what purpose(s)? What future can R offer? For what purpose? In another way, how does this add to the sum of my life/existence? How does it enable me to make the world a better place???

Awake??? Hmm ... what now?

Well, that did not work too well, did it???

Oh well, points for trying though :) Ha, bloody ha! Wonder if the girls had any sense of premonition - the female intuition, as it were … Or maybe the hesitancy in departing was more visceral, more emotive in basis? Nice position to be in, I suppose, having 2 (3?) girls pleased to see me, to want me to be part of their lives, with all of the inherent intricacies … Not that I can see myself taking advantage of such … although, maybe I should … maybe that is what 'life' is all about, sharing/caring, giving and taking, allowing/being allowed mistakes, and learning from them … In any case, it is a life … And one that, it would seem, I am not welcome to do with as I please. Not one that I am able to stop the existence of, or at least not be directly responsible for its cessation … Leaving one to fear that the anticipation, or even 'expectation', of doing 'something' continues unabated … Hence the remaining question: What is one to do? Much prefer the other one: How am I to live? :) At least with that one I had a chance to live by example …

Still do wonder just what went on there last night … so much prep and so little outcome!!! Amazing amount and content of vomit! And the colour! :o

Still here, wondering what to do, how to do it. Although there are some options - staying with bro, parents, girls - still I feel that there should be something more to do? Sitting at Cosmo's much is still the same, the self-important people rushing past the lonely and alone strange people. Oddly enough these things do not just resolve themselves simply or easily(!), and yet I do not want such complexity to override any sense of contentment or ableness.

Discovered that the last packet I had has disappeared - so much for that sustaining dream …

Here in Fortitude Valley there is always an ongoing parade of the different and the devoted divas to desire, where function is often subservient to flavour. Only here could an Asian woman walk out of the back of a Japanese restaurant and go to McDonalds for dinner … Only here, by virtue of their addiction, would an office worker sit down and share some time/space with the derelict, smoking a cigarette … Yet even here the people are struggling to find a place for themselves that causes least distress, and expends the least effort …

b4

So, here we go again … thoughts, memories, bits, all arrayed like turbulent scales falling from the eyes of self-delusionment. Inevitably the weight of thoughts rushing to be made word will be overwhelming to the speed of transcription. The last of many such records of ongoing interests and wonderment … But enough of such ramblings, for now, and on to the real thoughts and considerations - this has been a 'good' life, one of giving and not taking, beyond our needs. In the terms of 'virtue' ethics, have I 'excelled'? To be honest, no; indeed, much of my attempts have been to consciously not, as if to deny my destiny, to move above and beyond expectations, particularly that of my Mother, she of such socially normative wants. However, my passage through life would seem to have made others' better, in giving of myself so that others may blossom, or go on. Or has it? To be certain, it is tiring being the one who responds to stated wants by keeping the pressure applied, providing the requisite support, and then being blamed/vilified for efforts! What makes people think that this is easy - if it was so easy, they could do it themselves!!! Which may be why I would not have minded someone else having extended themselves for me in some realisable sense. So maybe that is my justification for what goes on, and the processes that I employ? Remembering the scene in 'Blade runner', where Ruger Hauer comments on what a life it is that can encompass so many, and so much, wonder(s) and still be just 'a' life, struck a chord. To be one eyed in the kingdom of the blind can be to realise that more is possible, that there is still something more that is missing. To be damned to keep searching for that missing eye … [short intermission comparing Praktica PL with a Pentax k-1000] …

A glass of Coopers Sparkling Ale, a pen in hand, paper in front of you - suddenly I see the attraction to G-man :o and can share some of his pleasure(s)? As elected, when the sense of urgency arises, when things become 'time critical', as it were, the more attention is paid to how time simply runs runs out, how things remain undone, or (more correctly) unattended to due to time constraints. No matter how embarrassing, inconvenient, or even humiliating it may have been to have departed Geelong leaving the house in that state, the simplest awareness is that time ran out, and nothing more could be done. Bit like life really: you have your allotted time, and when it has passed, so do you, and there ain't much more you can do … Can one regret the foods not tried, meals not eaten, wines not drunk? To be sure, there are many, many more 'things' to be experienced, but then if there was not, one would be sated and jaded?

What is it about people that allows them to do so much damage to each other? Thinking about the neighbours' of M, where one discourages another (+ g/f) from staying with him, in considering his options, I am struck by the paucity of his possibilities - ringing the locksmith is not an option, if only because money is not an option. So the 'simplest' answer of just changing the locks is not available. Having the police around introduces its own level of complications, ranging from having State intervention + surveillance, to their reluctance to become involved in a 'domestic' dispute, to pitting one brother against another. So, what to do???

Then came along the 'Big Day Out' with its highs :o and lows, but at least D made it … After all that, I managed to get a rather decent shot of speed, and a little taste to close down the day. The unfortunate outcome being that a severe case of failing to 'rise to the occasion' occurred! The most ironic aspect was I feeling that not having sex the night before meant that she was frustrating me … que? … and wanted to do something about it later … Physically I is a contradiction - she looks, and has the body, of a much younger person. Indeed, it is almost boyish in the way that she is so thin, lightly muscled, and yet there are areas of softness to highlight her femininity, of which there can be no doubt. Mentally she seems to oscillate between being pleased at her good fortune, and being scared, but at least she is not panicking … much! Her habit of asking questions is a good means to encourage me to contemplate aspects of, or question, issues or concerns. However, it is important to remain alert to the reality of questions often neither being contextual nor sequential, hence the need to remember the adage 'if you do not understand, please ask' …

The skin of my forearms has only just stopped peeling, yet already I have gone and scrapped my nose raw …

So, the central women in my life at present are giving me the highs and lows … What to do? What an interesting bunch of people I have come to visit!  Maybe I have become a Puritan in my old age, but I am shocked by the relentless drug use, particularly caffeine, that these girls are using … There is much of the uppers in the morning, downers at night. The shattering of gestalt, as in Case + Linda in 'Neuromancer' surrounds me, shattering all about, touching everyday realities and comfort zones. Awakening to cosier possibilities, immeshed in lethargy, spun out in the web of construction, where sometimes the rhetoric has to match the actions?

Still hère, puddling along, trying to find a path through the gestalt of conflicting ways of being. Tolerance is such a wonderful thing - learning to deal with each others' foibles when each is so set in their ways requires such patience and dedication. Was it just me? [Diatribe about N + M] My tastes, whist eclectic, would also seem to be quite established, yet mundane - as I sit here sipping Brandy + Dry, all I can think about is Vodka … 

Can women sense/feel this sense of unease that dares them without informing them of what the contents of that concern may be?